Duke 12, Cornell 11

The Duke men’s lacrosse team today defeated previously unbeaten Cornell 12-11 in the NCAA tournament semifinals, earning a spot in Monday’s title game against Johns Hopkins. The top seeded Blue Devils are favored to win their first national title, and have already earned a large dose of redemption. Meanwhile, the jackbooted thug Mike Nifong, who sought to advance his career by prosecuting three innocent former teammates of the Duke team readies himself for a hearing on ethics charges arising out of his failed jihad against the Duke Three. If there is even a small measure of justice in the Universe, the Duke team will triumph on Monday, and Nifong will be disbarred.